"I'm great." Used to be my go to answer when people asked how I was doing. Really. I was doing great. Good, at worst. You know, on those days when all your kids had been sick with a stomach bug and throwing up every seven seconds, you'd been through nine pair of clothes and had resigned to the fact that you would all be in pajamas for the day, then you start feeling queasy yourself. Even on those days I was "good." I was alive, relatively well, and life in general was full.
I just can't do it now. I find my go to answer now is "okay." That's the best I can muster up. The truth is, I'm just saying "good" because I know no one actually wants to hear, "I'm terrible. I just want my life back. I want my dad. Can you give me that back? No! You can't!" Would that be too much? Over the top a little probably. Terrifying even, a little bit. So, "okay" it is.
Will I ever feel "great" again? Will this empty spot inside of me, that was once filled with everything my dad was to me ever feel full? Even numb would be better than the pain that's been stuck in there as a space saver.
I mean, how many times a day should a person have to say to themselves, "Pull yourself together. Life has to keep moving forward." Is a million too much?
Luckily I'm blessed with my babies who need me. Gets me out of bed everyday. I find myself lost in them right now. Not much else seems to matter. The house can wait. Dinner can be a quick throw together. They are the thing bringing me joy, and I feel like that's because they are doing what I know I should be doing. Moving forward. Living everyday to it's fullest.
I have to do this. I can't just be sad forever. It's not fair to my family, and it's not fair to me. It's not even fair to my dad, who would tell me to chin up and keep going.
So, for right now I'm okay. Truly okay.
One day I'll be good. Then maybe, somewhere down the road, I can be great again. I'll just have to take it one day at a time until then.
Somehow, day by day, you make it through. Life is never the same. Your life moves on and it's a good life but it's always missing something. It's like have an ice cream sundae without the cherry on top. It's still good - it's just not the same.
ReplyDeleteI lost my brother almost 10 years ago (how in the world has that much time passed?) so I know about grief. Just allow yourself time to process it. The holidays are the hardest time for me and my family.
Congratulations on the new addition to your family. She sure is pretty!
(I found your blog through pinterest.)
I totally feel you! I just lost my Daddy and I feel like we have a lot in common! I have a 7 month old, who keeps me going, but I feel empty and sad too and just ok.
ReplyDelete(I found you through pinterest too! That rocking rose scarf that I must try someday!)
I lost my dad in June last year and I find that I feel some of what you write about. Even though I have comfort in the knowledge that, thanks to Jesus, my earthly dad is now at peace with my heavenly dad, I still miss him every day. I too, find myself saying that I'm "okay" or "doing well" because I don't want to unload my sadness onto everybody else. My heart is gradually healing, thanks to God's goodness and graciousness, and I believe that He means for me to grow through this experience and perhaps have more empathy for others who are going through tough times too.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I found your blog via Craft Gossip.