You've been gone six months now. I've felt everyone of those days. Not one of them has passed that I don't wish I could talk to you or see you.
There are so many qualities about you that I am missing in my everyday life. Your patience inspires me. I took it for granted before, but now that I don't have your calm and rational opinion to lean on, I miss it terribly. When I wanted to jump to conclusions or be upset over something, you always helped me focus on what was real and what was important. I'm grateful for the example you set though because now instead of being a total nut job all the time, I can remember your words and they have made me a more rational person. You set the example, and now I have to stand on my own and try it out for myself.
I was thinking of you at church a few weeks ago, and the thought keeps returning to me. They were talking about honoring your parents. Lots of people commented on how their kids could do that, and how they do it now as adults for their own parents. The comment that keeps returning to my mind though was one from an older man. I know, my perspective on that is not great... because the older I get, the younger "older" people get it seems. So, say this man is probably about 75-85, I'm not totally sure. Anyway, the older man got very emotional then said the way he had spent most of his life was trying to live the way that would allow him to be with his parents for eternity. He then said he misses his parents everyday and it was very quiet for a little while. No one else commented after that.
I enjoyed what he said, because it did put a few things in perspective for me. Although, my mind got stuck on the part where he said he missed his parents everyday. Now, I can't say for certain, but since he is an "older" man I assume his parents passed away some time ago. He misses them so much, even still, that it brought him to open emotion.
What about me?
I'm in my 20's. Now I have to live the rest of my life on earth without you? Will the pain ever dull? I mean, if I were this man's age I would be here maybe 60 more years without you. When I think of how deeply I miss you right now, it brings me to tears. I'm scared to think that it will hurt this much for 60 more years. Why wouldn't it though? I can't expect anything else really, can I?
I guess people find a way to balance. This man found a place for his heartache, but at the same time made the decision to honor his parents and find progression in his life.
Can I do that? I'll have to. It's scary to think about though.
The future is an intimidating thing, I think. Fear of the unknown.
I'm going to do my best to make you proud though, dad. It's like mom and I were talking about the other day. I know all the longing in the world is not going to change what's happened. Sometimes we just think that if we hope hard enough things will be different. They won't be though. The pain that I feel will always be a part of me, but I know you would want me to be and do the best that I can.
Thank you, dad. Thank you for giving me the confidence to know I can do hard things. That is going to be what gets me by. Your many examples will be the tools I use to progress, but the life-long encouragement you bestowed upon me will be what gives me the hope to use those tools.
I love you, dad. Everyday.
Miss you, miss the tacos, miss lunch.