When do I move passed "okay"?

"I'm great."  Used to be my go to answer when people asked how I was doing.  Really.  I was doing great.  Good, at worst.  You know, on those days when all your kids had been sick with a stomach bug and throwing up every seven seconds, you'd been through nine pair of clothes and had resigned to the fact that you would all be in pajamas for the day, then you start feeling queasy yourself.  Even on those days I was "good."  I was alive, relatively well, and life in general was full.
I just can't do it now.  I find my go to answer now is "okay."  That's the best I can muster up.  The truth is, I'm just saying "good" because I know no one actually wants to hear, "I'm terrible.  I just want my life back.  I want my dad.  Can you give me that back? No! You can't!"  Would that be too much?  Over the top a little probably.  Terrifying even, a little bit. So, "okay" it is.
Will I ever feel "great" again?  Will this empty spot inside of me, that was once filled with everything my dad was to me ever feel full?  Even numb would be better than the pain that's been stuck in there as a space saver.
I mean, how many times a day should a person have to say to themselves, "Pull yourself together.  Life has to keep moving forward."  Is a million too much? 
Luckily I'm blessed with my babies who need me.  Gets me out of bed everyday.  I find myself lost in them right now.  Not much else seems to matter.  The house can wait.  Dinner can be a quick throw together.  They are the thing bringing me joy, and I feel like that's because they are doing what I know I should be doing.  Moving forward.  Living everyday to it's fullest. 
I have to do this.  I can't just be sad forever.  It's not fair to my family, and it's not fair to me.  It's not even fair to my dad, who would tell me to chin up and keep going.
So, for right now I'm okay.  Truly okay.
One day I'll be good.  Then maybe, somewhere down the road, I can be great again.  I'll just have to take it one day at a time until then.

Feeling lost, yet fully comforted

I lost my daddy.

I can't believe it.  It's been one week since his funeral, and I'm in just as much denial now as I was the day he passed away.

I'm having a difficult time comprehending how I'll continue on for the rest of my life without the man that has single handedly had the greatest impact on my life this far.

My best friend.

While I'm overtaken by sorrow, I also can't deny the feeling of peace and joy for my dad.  Free from a body that was sick and worn down.  Back to his happy joking self, I'm confident of that.

My life is eternally enriched for having him in it.  Even if it wasn't as long as I would have liked, I'm grateful for every second I had.

I miss him, so badly.

I was blessed to be able to write his obituary.

Louis Reinwand

1947-2011

Louis Gar Reinwand returned home to his Heavenly Father, April 27, 2011, after losing his valiant battle with liver disease. He died peacefully at home surrounded by family that loved him.
Louis was born July 17, 1941, in Butte, to John Louis and Selena Adams Reinwand. Montana shaped Louis into a strong willed man, and he always had a bit of “Butte” in him.
He served the Lord on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Western Canadian Mission. After returning home, he attended Brigham Young University, where he earned a bachelor’s degree in history and master’s degrees in history and library science and met his lifelong sweetheart, Lane Spencer Smith.
They were married in the Oakland, Calif., LDS Temple on Nov. 25, 1967. They enjoyed more than 43 years of marriage, and were the loving parents of five children, in-laws to four daughters and one son, and grandparents to seven granddaughters and six grandsons.
Louis was a fiercely loyal husband, father, grandfather and friend. He had the ability to make everyone he met a welcome part of his life. His concern, love and interest over those he loved were unmatched. Despite being a skilled collector of the many things that interested him, the love of his family and their successes were his most prized possessions.
Louis’ love of reading and books led him through a career that satisfied both his personal interests and professional ambitions. He most recently enjoyed working at the Utah State Library.
His ancestors brought him great joy and he made genealogy a personal endeavor. He learned detailed stories and histories of his family who had gone before. We are confident this made for the most joyous of reunions upon his passing.
Louis was light-hearted and his sense of humor carried him through life’s many challenges. He battled different health issues for the past several years, but rallied back and kept fighting a heroic fight. We are so proud of him and the way he undertook the challenges in his life.
He was preceded in death by his parents.