I think I've picked up a few new readers here over the last few weeks! Haha... that's an understatement. Thank you for the support, you have no idea how much it means to me.
As many of you know I lost my dad back in April, and it has been a difficult struggle for me. This blog is a place that I put things I wish I could be showing him, and also a place that I share things with YOU!
I also write letters to my dad once in a while here. Not as often as I should, really. It's been very healing for me to feel like I still get to talk to him about some of the things I wish I could be talking to him about. I was just thinking this morning, maybe more people should try this. It feels good to get it out of your head and onto paper... or virtual paper, if you will. For me, it's my dad. I can't call him up anymore, or grab a quick lunch and that's painful beyond expression. For you it may be someone you've lost, or someone you think about often, would like to talk to, but just haven't taken the opportunity. Try it. If you want. May bring peace to you like it has to me.
There's just something about the written word, don't you think?
That being said...
This letter is quite difficult for me to write this week. I've been putting it off for some time now because, while the thoughts are there in my head, I'm having a hard time getting them out or in any type of actual order.
I found this picture of us the other day
I love it so dearly.
How can I not hold my sweet new baby girl, look down at her just that same way you looked at me, and long for you to be here. It just doesn't seem fair.
This is where I seem to get stuck. I'm trying to push the hurt from heart, and hold back the tears that seem to come so freely when I think of you. It's just like Mom said the other day, it doesn't feel like any time has passed at all. It hurts as much today as it did the day you passed. I think I'm trying to be strong for her, but I feel the exact same way. Life without you is hard. Unbearable some days. You just meant so much to so many.
If we were having lunch today, I hope I would have taken the chance to tell you just that. Just how much you meant to me. My heart tells me that you knew, but I would have told you, at least one more time.
The holidays were difficult this year. No matter how much pre-preparing I did for Christmas, when the day finally arrived, it just wasn't the same without you here. You can get a lot of things ready ahead of time, but there was no preparing for what it was going to feel like to have that special day without one of the most special people I know.
I was, and am still afraid of the "new year." It was sort of like I felt that if it changed to 2012 then all of this would really be real now. That the more time that passes the more distant our time together was. Will my memories grow faint? Will I be able to hold on to all of the precious moments? The future can be frightening. I guess it's the unknown that is worrisome. You always thought of it as an adventure though. I wish I was more like you in that regard. Maybe I can be, someday.
For now I'll just keep moving forward, one day at a time, one moment and one memory at a time. Trying to do what you encouraged me to do, just slow down and take it all in.
I love you dad. Thank you for giving me a life full of love and happiness and a friend I could always count on.
Love you forever,